Last week (or possibly two weeks ago), I got into a conversation on Facebook about expectations for young children. It actually started when I friend posted an article on time-outs and how they may not be affective. From there, it went to expectations.
One of my friend's friends (let's call her A) claimed that until the child is 4-6 years old, we shouldn't have expectations for obedience. She claimed we shouldn't expect a 3 year old to obey our commands, and as such there is little to no discipline needed. I disagreed. We definitely have expectations for AJU5, and I don't think we are expecting too much out of her. We do have to remember that she is 3 and give her a little time to stop what she is doing to obey, but at the same time we do expect her to obey.
A's claim started with her saying we shouldn't expect a child younger than the 4-6 range to put on shoes when asked. I thought this was crazy. AJU5 started to bey this command about a year ago. AJU6 is already getting his shoes when he realizes we are going someplace. Now, AJU6 might be doing it because he loves going outside, but it is a step in obedience. We didn't discipline AJU5 for not getting her shoes until the last 3-6 months though. Before that, we would get "manhandle" her if she didn't obey and put her shoes on for her. Now she has to do it herself, and she can. She can ask for help, but rarely does she need it. We also expect her to clean up her toys when asked. Other than that, it is just simple commands (come, sit, wait) that we expect her to obey.
From previous comments by A, it seems like she is very much into attachment parenting, etc. She just redirects her kids to distract them. I don't think I totally agree with this approach. We are the parents. We aren't to stifle our kids and make them robots, but at the same time we are to lead them and train them. We don't expect AJU5 to keep her toys clean all day long at 3. Instead, we expect her to pick them up once or twice a day. Some times, she has to put one "big" toy away to get a second, but other than that she can have her toys where she wants them.
The only other disciplines/trainings we do with her are to share (especially with AJU6) and to control her crying. If she takes something from AJU6, she has to give it back. If she has more than two items, and he wants one, she has to give him one. If she is crying and won't calm down, she is sent to her room to regroup (and normally this occurs because she is told no about something like another show).
What about you? What do you expect from you toddler/preschooler? Do you expect some basic obedience prior to kindergarten age?
3 comments:
Gosh, were we on the same thought train today or what? Must be the three year olds that are inspiring us!
I would say that I'm more of an attachment parent than anything else (if I were forced to label myself) but I definitely have expectations about Madeline's behavior. Like with AJU5, we expect her to pick up her toys when asked, put on shoes/pants/jammies etc.
I've found that giving her information beforehand tends to help - if I tell her where we're going, what we'll be doing, what she will see/do and what we expect from her while we're out - she does MUCH better. I still remind her of what her behavior should be in church, stores, etc. every time we leave the house.
Of course by now she parrots it back to me, but even that is good I think - it's sinking in. Maybe. :)
I agree that it's our job to teach and guide them. They might not like all of it now, but I hope that it will be appreciated later.
Kyle is only 19 months but we definitely expect obedience from him. When we are trying o teach him to not do something it might start off with verbal warning and physically moving him away. There are definitely things he knows now are "no's", like going out the dog door. If he does it once I will tell him that's a no, if he does it again he will go in time out. There has only been one time where he did it again and then went in time-out then did it again as soon as he got out and that warranted a spank.
I also agree with putting them in time out to give them time to compose themselves when they get into a fit. I think disciple depends on how compliant your child is. But our job as parents is to train them, no matter how young.
I wouldn't put a 6 month old in time-out but telling them no and/or signing it when they are screaming at the dinner table is a good start.
Wow, I am totally strict compared to all of you. I train my kids for obedience....and as I gained more children, the younger I began that training, (because their rebellion became much more obvious with experience).
Obedience is 1) immediate, 2) thorough, and 3) cheerful. At our house, we say, "obey the first time, to the best of your ability, with a happy heart" The underlying focus is that a child must learn to obey their parents, in order to learn to obey authority, in order to ultimately obey God. That lesson starts at home.
The awesome thing is that all of my efforts during the "training years" (ages 2-4 mostly) pays off by kindergarten, leaving me with sweet, well-behaved, obedient children who know how to show respect to their authority, their siblings & peers, and themselves. My "attachment parenting" friends can't leave the house with their wild children once they get too old to "manhandle," and definitely not with more than 1 child at a time. Obedience training is SO worth it to be able to truly enjoy being around your children in every situation. I highly recommend it.
Kids thrive with boundaries. Their confidence soars as their behavior is praised. Strangers in the store equate good behavior with intelligence, commenting, "what smart children you have" when they see my kids behaved in public. Tantruming children miss that blessing, for sure.
The best step we took in obedience training was to practice at home, before disobedience occurs. We made a game out of it. Practice answering "yes ma'm" when I give an instruction, and practice coming when I call. The practice is fun and funny, but it puts the lesson into the kids' mind, so when they are tempted to disobey in other situations, they know exactly what I am expecting from them.
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